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Set Free from Self Hatred

March 14, 2019

 

Hello friends, both familiar and new! My name is Breana, but I most often go by Bre.

I’m 22, a photographer, an amateur content creator, and writer of my own faith-
based blog. My deepest desire + longing is to inspire and encourage others. I’m

beyond excited to be sharing a portion of my story with you today.


I’ve been pursuing Jesus for almost three full years now, and oh what a joy it’s been.
Every step along my journey has led me down the path towards greater freedom,
firmer identity, and growth in understanding of the majesty of who God is. Before
Jesus met and rescued me from my grave, I was chasing after a life that looked a lot
like the world. I was seeking satisfaction in all the wrong places. I gave away my
sense of self worth in exchange for temporary pleasures, and lost who I was in the
midst of a very broken world. In my desperation to be fulfilled, I tried to seek
identity in my appearance. So much of myself was invested in how I looked. I felt
tortured by thoughts of never being enough. I strived so hard to achieve perfection
that I continued to spiral down a path of defeat. I convinced myself that surely if I
was thin enough then maybe I’d be worth something to someone. Or if that guy
noticed me, or that girl liked my outfit, then maybe, just maybe, I’d have some sort of
value to add to this world. And as shallow as it may sound, this was my reality. I was
desperate for identity and had no idea where to look but into what the world had to
offer me. Society serves both women and men the lie that in order for your very
existence to matter you must physically look a certain way. In my vulnerably,
heartache, and longing to belong, I believed this lie. And in the process of trying to
gain control of my identity, I completely lost who I was instead, and found myself
falling into the depths of an eating disorder. I struggled with anorexia and

disordered eating patterns, exercise addiction, and paralyzing thoughts of self-
hatred for six years. I remember getting to a place where I thought it was normal to

always be hungry. I envied the people that seemed to enjoy their food, because for
me eating felt like an unnecessary chore I had to do to simply survive for another
day. I thought my cycle of self-hatred, deprivation, obsession, and self-harm would
never end. I was convinced that this was my “normal” and that I was signed up for
life. I had no clue that there was anything, or anyone, that could set me free. Until I
met my Jesus. And I’ll be honest, I spent much of my life hesitant about God. I was

scared, terrified even, to expose the depths of my shattered spirit to a supposedly all-
perfect God. I was intimidated, fearful, and unsure that Jesus was a man that I could

trust. My heart had become so hardened by my life of sin and destruction that I built
walls to keep everything out. I wanted nothing of God, but little did I know that He
desired all of me. In all of His love and compassion, God came knocking on my heart.
And though I didn’t open the door right away, every time I peaked out to see who it
was, God offered me glimpses of true, everlasting freedom. His light slowly trickled
in and consumed every place that darkness use to reside in. I began to taste the
sweetness of freedom, and it was so satisfying that I couldn’t help but desire more
and more. I began to experience a joy unlike ever before. There were so many
moments where I felt genuinely confused at the freedom I was experiencing. My
thoughts began to change, my obsessions began to cease, my relationship with food

began to heal, and the source of my identity was no longer myself but in Jesus. To
this day, I am amazed at how much freedom God is still pouring out over this area of
my life. And while there are about a million of incredible details I could dive into the
depths to, I’ll leave off here. Where there was once mourning there’s now endless
rejoicing. I love Jesus with my whole heart and I will forever lift my hallelujah to the
world. Even in my wildest dreams, I never thought a life of freedom would be
possible. Thank you Jesus for going above and beyond to rescue me.


So this is my story. I hope it could encourage you and give you a greater glimpse into
the moments that have shaped me. I’m so very proud of my story and in awe of my
Jesus. I’m continually amazed by God’s ability to create beauty out of distress, and
transform even our darkest moments into radiant light. I pray this story be a source
of encouragement for you, and the kindest reminder of all the beautiful and oh so
wonderful ways God is working uniquely in each of our lives. I am beyond grateful
for each of you that choose to read along. Just the mere thought of anyone reading
this is truly a gift within itself. Once again, thank you Jesus. All the glory and honor
goes to You.


All the best,
Breana

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